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Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

February 9, 2009 @ 23:27

Being a software engineer I feel the need to optimise the crap out of everything. I’m that guy that does the washing up at the same time as he’s cooking, who reads while vacuuming and generally just tries to multi-task as much as possible to make maximum use of my brain at all times. As a result I take the same sort of approach to my relationship with my girlfriend of 6 1/2 years, trying to always become a better boyfriend, improve my communication and help her whenever I can.

As a result of this I’ve taken to sporadically reading relationship-help books and books about the differences between men and women psychologically. The most recent of these was recommended to me by a good female friend; the classic Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

The book basically uses the model of two species from different planets interactions to represent the stereotyped (the author admits this) but often valid problems in the interactions between men and women, focusing this book on those in romantic relationships.

I think a lot of the points that John Gray makes are fairly apt, about how men and women respond to their negative emotions (men tend to want to be by themselves, women tend to want a sympathetic ear but not to get solutions to their problems). We didn’t find this particularly revelatory; after a relationship as long as ours you tend to work these things out for yourself.

What I found interesting was that instead of challenging the fact that neither of these slightly extreme reactions should actually be challenged and improved upon (encouraging men to become more open and women to be more pragmatic when upset) John Gray instead seems to imply that you should just learn to accept that a few days a month (his rough estimate) your partner will act irrationally and selfishly and you just need to let them do that to get it out of their system.

I’m pretty glad I didn’t read this at the beginning of our relationship or I think my girlfriend and I would have developed some fairly destructive attitudes towards dealing with our differences. I think understanding these are a key element in improving a damaged relationship or knowing how to better communicate with your partner but I think blind adherence to John Gray’s advice could actually be fairly damaging for a relationship that doesn’t already have problems.

I’d probably recommend reading this book if you are having problems communicating with your partner but if you are happy and both of you are sharing your feelings and honestly and openly dealing with issues in your relationship I’d say it’s perhaps one to miss. Regardless of your camp I’d personally recommend from following his advice to the letter and perhaps strive for a great relationship all the time and moving beyond your biological impulses to try and become a better partner.

Posted in My Life, Random

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